Numb
by 14karatgold
Summary: She gave him reasons to keep her from doing it, so why didn't he take them? Why did he let her go that extra mile with the man that stole her from him? She didn't understand, so she went to the one person that would. Tiein to Season 8 Episode Affinity.


Numb

Rated K

Summary- She practically begged for a reason not to do it. Begged. Samantha Carter doesn't beg. She tried to give him a reason to not let her do it, so why did he keep shooting her down? Tie-in to Season 8 Episode Affinity. SJ.

Disclaimer: I own nothing except my brain and this computer. Or at least, I hope I own my brain… scary thoughts…

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She knocked on Daniel's door, praying that he would be home. She needed someone to talk to.

He came to the door and immediately rushed her in, simply because he'd seen that look before, and only one time before, but this time, there were no tears. Just that expression.

He'd been with her when Jack had been stranded with Maybourne on the Furling moon. He'd seen her soul, huddled in a tiny corner of her heart after two weeks of hearing and discovering nothing. He had watched as Teal'c, the only one of them left, tried to comfort her as only he could, and if she were like that now, Daniel would do the only thing he could. Be there.

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Daniel didn't ask any questions, he just led me inside as if this was a routine. I've rarely felt this foolish about anything, but I just couldn't help it. The 'good soldier' part of me was slipping, and the immature, unused part of me came out. My emotional side.

It was unstoppable, and for the first time ever, I wasn't in control. It wasn't crying, but it was past that. It was raw emotion wrenching my heart around to the point where tears wouldn't make the slightest bit of difference. I was shaken, I was confused, and I hated it.

It was rather chilly out that morning, but I wore nothing more than the black shirt and BDU pants that I wore around base that day. I must have looked cold. I don't remember. I was already numb from my encounter with my CO.

Daniel, ever my conscience, dragged me inside, grabbed a blanket from a passing linen cabinet, and sat me down on his couch. He sat beside me, and let me come out of my state of shock slowly before asking what happened.

I began my response somewhat slowly, but it only took a few words to get into the heat of the situation as only I could.

"I brought up every possible scenario Daniel! Everything that could happen if I got married! He shot every one of them down! Why?" I demanded of him quietly.

"Married? Start over."

"Pete asked me to marry him, Daniel."

"And you went to Jack?"

"Well, he sort of came to me, but essentially, yes. God. I told him, literally shoved the ring in his face, and gave him any weapon on which to tell me not to do it. I brought up kids, maternity leave—the whole package. God Daniel! Why didn't he do it?" I implored. I wanted to know. Why couldn't he just say that he didn't want me to marry this guy?

"Well, Sam. You're not quite being fair, you know," Daniel began to point out. Yup. Ever the conscience.

"How's that?"

"You know how Jack is with his feelings. I've only seen him show emotion a handful of times! He probably doesn't want to risk everything he's fought for for so long just to tell you that he loves you enough to break the man's neck." That last sentence caused my throat to choke briefly. He loved me? It didn't seem that way earlier. "He's probably just worried that you'll go on your whole life without getting a taste of what life is actually supposed to be like. He just thinks its easier to let you have a simpler life with another man than to lose everything the both of you have in order to have a harder life with him. Personally, I think he feels that he owes you."

"What makes you think that?" I managed to get out through difficult breaths. With each of his words, I got a looser and looser grip on my own emotional tether.

"Because—and you're not to even breathe the fact that I told you this—being with you everyday made him happier than he's been in a long time. You brought him out of the whole that was Charlie. He wants you to be happy. All three of us do."

I couldn't help it. If my emotions were a dog on a leash, trying to run away, I had just lost my dog. Tears poured hard and fast down my cheeks, likely making a dark mess of my mascara. I understood, finally. When I'd said, 'What about you? If thing's had been different…' and he'd responded, 'I wouldn't be here…' it was his way of telling me that I needed this, even if only to prove something to myself, or even to break away from something that could possibly keep my life on hold forever. I needed this. He would have asked me to marry him long ago, and that conversation would have never happened. It was his way of telling me that I needed to move on from that little fantasy.

But Holy Hannah was it hard. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to try (keyword: _try_) to do, and the pressure of it was pressing the tightly held emotions through their carefully erected barricade.

Without my knowledge, my head had fallen onto Daniel's chest where rivers were forming on his shirt from my tears. He held on for dear life to my silently shaking body, as though I would slip away if he did not. I've never felt so vulnerable, so out of control, so numb, before or since.

And yet, I have never before felt so loved. I realized then that I had more love in my life than I had ever seen before. I had the love of a good man who would become my fiancée I would soon decide. I had the love of an extraordinary father and his symbiote—whom I considered as much my father as my own—and a near stepfather, General Hammond. I had the love of my blood brother, Mark, though I felt I had more from my true brothers, Daniel and Teal'c. I had love from my fellow SG teams, alien allies, the many fallen boyfriends and Janet.

And yet, most of all, I had the love of an amazing man who was modest enough to let me have a simpler life. There was no denying it. I loved the man. More than I'd ever loved most things in my life, but I had so many other things to experience for myself to keep going on in my little insignificant life the way I was. He wanted to give me the chance to have those experiences, even if it meant they wouldn't be his too. It takes a great man to admit that they can't have everything they want, and to give up what they desire in order to let someone else have it.

Crouching like a newly emerged child into the world of emotions in Daniel's arms, I felt numb once more, but not with fear, apprehension, anxiety, or confusion. For once, I was numb with gratitude.

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I love Sam's and Daniel's relationship. I don't see them happening romantically. I am a SOLID SamJack fan. But I love them together. I wanted it to be about Sam and Jack, but I wanted to portray Sam and Daniel's connection too.

Ah well, even if it wasn't very good, I liked writing it. Isn't that the point? You tell me.

KT


End file.
